Many of us planned if not expected a certain ending when we set out to do something, for me, I started planning on how this trip will end before I left. Even though I wanted to return triumphant from a long trip across the country, riding my steel horse that I have entrusted since the day I bought it, somehow I knew my bike won't make it on its own power. It wasn't mechanical knowledge or some scientific deduction of how I came to this conclusion. I always seem to have a certain six sense to things. It was going to happen, but it didn't matter.
For reasons that may forever remain obscure to me, I went against 10 years of fear and comfort and left to tour the usa on my motorcycle. Last minute on the whim. Why? Because I want to and the only thing stopping me was my own logic.
Why is this the perfect ending? "Yun your bike broke down across the country, that blows" I know. Its perfect this way, because if it never broke down, I would have never know how much I have changed when facing with adversity. I am not nonchalant, in fact, I know it's gonna be costly, but it's okay. It's just not a big deal.
I could of struggle through this alone, but I am forever grateful Yermo is here with me. I could of survived just fine on my own, but this trip wouldn't have been what it was without Yermo.
We talked about what is logical to do this morning. There was the parts availability concern, too much time frame, maybe I can rent a bike and ride back. As I look at it at the end, I know I can ride back, I know I can suck it up and ride 700 to 800 miles a days if I need to. Especially if its hot, I tend to absorb the yellow suns energy.😛 My bike broke, it's time to go home. I am ready to go home. I am remarkably happy for someone who's favorite toy just self destructed, as we joke on the trip every time we do something inherently unsafe, "it was totally worth it".
When i left, I had a list of things I was going to work on. Letting go my fear of abandonment with my bears, needing someone there, wanting someone to order food and make those decision for me that i can easily make, getting hair cut, not wanting to leave my comfort area, fear of getting sick, the list goes on and on. I wonder when I will over come these things, and whether on the trip I will flare up, get too sick, or become so home sick that I breakdown. I wondered if the road will take me back to a time where losing them was my only fear.
What I did not know at the time, but I do know now as I write this final entry of the trip, is that I have move on and left all those things behind long before I left 15 days ago.
Each time we are with someone, we change. Sometimes for better, but more often than not it brings out the worst of us. In the last 4 years, I have try to accommodate her emotional needs and in turn I have obsessed over thing that I never had in the past. I have recompense for her imagined slights and allow the physical and verbal abuse to question my own self worth. In the month that followed, I did not felt any urge to see how she is doing like I had with others in the past. She really treated me poorly.
But I digress, i love her and I miss them. I loved her the best i can, i saw her insecurities and love her for them. But she lost herself in her fears, and push her insecurities onto me. What she always fail to see is that I have always seen her differently than she sees herself. What she thought was her weakness, I always saw it as her strength. I have always saw the best in her when she saw the worst in herself.
In the last 10 years, i have dated significant others and had close friends who have had been afflicted with extreme difficulties in their life. Over the years, with my injury and sickness, I too have defined myself by my fears and pain. I have always understood those who suffer at the hands of misfortunate, and for the longest time I have thought I was one of them. Then I remember the boy who took the metro by himself to dc everyday at 13. I remember the kid that told his parents at 12 years old that they no longer have to worry about me anymore, and brought home straight A, ever since. I was always able to reinvent myself. While i love them all dearly and will always cherish them I was never one of them.
I remember when she was leaving what must've almost 3 month ago or more, (it still feels like yesterday), I said to her in total emotional mess, "I'm damage goods". She responded swiftly and angrily with conviction "No, you are NOT!", perhaps she have always knew me better than I know myself.
Expect her in 10 days. And then I'll fix her up. :)
